Finding My Voice: Black, Gay, and Proud!

By Byron Craig

I’m Coming Out!
When I came out a long time ago, I began walking into places that at times were welcoming and at times hostile. When I came out it was like I was suddenly liberated. Free from the oppressive bonds of navigating my hidden identity. I was fortunate. Having two other gay-identified brothers, I at least had them. Before coming out there was no place I could turn to in my small town for support. Sandusky, Ohio had no support system that I knew of at least, certainly not the church and certainly not school. Although I had my brothers, it took me a long time to find my voice. But I finally found my voice and I want to share it with you by way of telling my story the best way I know.

My Voice, My Vice?
Sugar, I am a drag queen in every since of the word. When I came out, I really came out. As an undergraduate student in the early eighties (I was only five at the time, mind you), I lived, honey. In fact, I lived so much that I nearly killed myself. At the height of the HIV/AIDS scare, I dwelled in those venues where it was quite possible to contract the virus because of the unprotected types of activity going on in those dark, backwoods I hid in. So, what saved me? I woke up one morning after having the most fabulous dream. Well, it was more than a dream. I was recalling my life growing up with a real life diva.

In my dream that night I remembered every fierce dress, fierce hair style, and flawless Ebony Fashion Fair product used to make my mother’s luscious ebony skin glow. She was fierce baby; so much so, she fabulous that for special events, her hairdresser came to our home to beat out her hair. Her dresses were elegant and came in every style and color—black, brown, green, yellow, and yes, even ruby red. They were at times sequined and sparkled as she and my father stepped out for an evening with friends. Every outfit had a special handbag, the shoes, and of course jewelry that was just perfect. She was the ultimate drag queen, honey!

But, what I remembered most in that dream was her ability to burn in the kitchen. She could cook, baby. Every bit of soul food you could imagine, she could make it. Recalling the way she moved in the kitchen, with perfect precision and always putting the needs of her children first, cooking was next to fashion for her. To me, this was the perfect order of life for someone who was so classy yet who had had to navigate and negotiate herself out of the racist south. It made me go gaily forward and I stopped going to the trails. I wanted to be her…to be the ultimate drag queen, baby!

But, it was her voice that woke me up. She always spoke the truth. She not only spoke through her words, she spoke through her cooking, her flawless hair, her clothes, and the way she moved through her world. What I didn’t know was that I had inherited her voice in those ways that made her the ultimate drag queen. She loved hard and showed it through her voice. Her voice that was her cooking and ability to create beauty out of anything was the voice I wanted. Now when I cook, I cook as if it is my voice and I use that voice to get what I need. Like the grand dame of drag The Lady Chabliss says in her memoir Hiding My Candy, if you can burn in the kitchen, you are saying a lot of things. Know what I mean?

Live At IU!
As I approach my fifties, I only perform for small crowds when I cook and when I do drag. But my voice exists in a very different venue these days. Teaching at Indiana University, I have found new ways to express who I am. In the classroom I make it a point to identify myself on the first day of class every semester. I think it is a disservice to hide anything so important from my students. But I undertake this in much the same way I remember my mother finding and using her voice. She lived very out loud. From the way she dressed to the way she cooked for her family and friends, my mother’s voice was first and foremost open and honest. I live my life in the way she instructed. I live by her example. My voice is part of her living legacy…one she shares with all three of her gay sons. I refuse to let myself be silenced and I live in the beauty she gave to all of her children. So, why would I live quietly? I am out and I want the world to know. That world is my classroom and this campus and I go into the world every morning LOUD and FIERCE!